What do you guys think of this poem I wrote, any suggestions for improvement would be appreciated
The scene lays set,
The target like a fish in the sea,
He walks ignorant of his fate,
Slowly approaching the peice of bait,
The scene lays set,
He stands to ponder,
What he thinks I do wonder,
But What use would thoughts of war be to me,
None thats what it would be,
The scene lays set,
Once a friend,
A comrade,
A brother,
But no longer,
The scene lays set,
The moment now imminent,
As he blinks for a moment,
I prepare to deliver his final judgement,
My blade primed,
My sights set,
The scene lays set,
An act of mercy,
Kindness,
Compassion,
What else could it be?
The scene lays set,
His final breath of the cold winter air,
His final feeling of hopeless despair,
The final time he'll feel his head,
The final second before he's dead,
The scene lays set,
The blade now buried deep within his chest,
For now it is his time to rest,
For his time has passed,
But the words he utters last,
"You think this is over do you not?
Little do you know it has only just begun"
The scene lays set,
The target now lays dead,
But what did those twisted words mean,
The gibberish of a dying man?
Or the warning of an unfolding plan?
Love it. O____________O
I ran a little movie in my head when I read this. lolz
Is this a srs project in school or is it directed to me just cause I said you couldn't be poetic? :|
Quote from: Eat4two on January 31, 2013, 04:38:25 PM
Is this a srs project in school or is it directed to me just cause I said you couldn't be poetic? :|
both
I just noticed how every verse starts with "the scene lays set". Not very appealing imo.
Other than that it's pretty good.
wtf adamp
since when do you write poems
Quote from: Meteor on January 31, 2013, 04:51:45 PM
I just noticed how every verse starts with "the scene lays set". Not very appealing imo.
Other than that it's pretty good.
this is the one main thing that left me conflicted in the poem, i saw repetition used really well in another poem in a similar way but i was unsure as to how well it worked with my own
Quote from: Xx Itz Ian on January 31, 2013, 04:52:23 PM
wtf adamp
since when do you write poems
fk u poems r for men nigr
Quote from: Xx Itz Ian on January 31, 2013, 04:52:23 PM
wtf adamp
since when do you write poems
when he liked the colour pink..
Quote from: Xx Itz Ian on January 31, 2013, 04:52:23 PM
wtf adamp
since when do you write poems
poems are amazing dun hate
The rhyme structure of (mostly) AABBCC etc get's kind of repetitive and boring. Like Met said, the first line in each verse is "The scene lays set" or something, it'd be better if it changed or even if the word "scene" was changed to something more suitable for the current part of the story/verse
not bad tho.
k ima remove all "the scene is set" apart from the first and last stanzas soon unless i have a better idea also thanks for all da feedback guys
Quote from: ilovemoney on January 31, 2013, 05:12:49 PM
Quote from: Xx Itz Ian on January 31, 2013, 04:52:23 PM
wtf adamp
since when do you write poems
when he liked the colour pink..
owowow indirectly called gay,
what u gonna do bout it adamp
Quote from: Xx Itz Ian on January 31, 2013, 05:23:31 PM
Quote from: ilovemoney on January 31, 2013, 05:12:49 PM
Quote from: Xx Itz Ian on January 31, 2013, 04:52:23 PM
wtf adamp
since when do you write poems
when he liked the colour pink..
owowow indirectly called gay,
what u gonna do bout it adamp
blame u cus u started it also stop going off topic
u need 2 talk more about ur dollaz and hoes to be considered a good poet man,
rubberbannnnnddd
abeeeyoouuuu
souljah boiii
yo I did igcse english trust me this poem is good. "the scene is set" at the start or whatever is good dont change because its emphasis or even hyperbole and gives a sense of urgence. I've analysed so many fkn poems; in fact, one of the exams was a 45min poem analysis.
some poems which repeat like ****:
http://englishlanguageliterature.com/2011/02/17/lament-by-gillian-clarke/ (http://englishlanguageliterature.com/2011/02/17/lament-by-gillian-clarke/)
http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15384 (http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15384)
http://englishlanguageliterature.com/2011/02/17/time-by-allen-curnow/ (http://englishlanguageliterature.com/2011/02/17/time-by-allen-curnow/)
I can give you some tips and I would fully analyse this if I was planning on becoming an alcoholic.
the anit set lays
ballsack wat he shaves
hairs begin to raise
only to be trimmed
to the thinnest grain
Quote from: antisickness on January 31, 2013, 07:08:28 PM
yo I did igcse english trust me this poem is good. "the scene is set" at the start or whatever is good dont change because its emphasis or even hyperbole and gives a sense of urgence. I've analysed so many fkn poems; in fact, one of the exams was a 45min poem analysis.
some poems which repeat like ****:
http://englishlanguageliterature.com/2011/02/17/lament-by-gillian-clarke/ (http://englishlanguageliterature.com/2011/02/17/lament-by-gillian-clarke/)
http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15384 (http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15384)
http://englishlanguageliterature.com/2011/02/17/time-by-allen-curnow/ (http://englishlanguageliterature.com/2011/02/17/time-by-allen-curnow/)
I can give you some tips and I would fully analyse this if I was planning on becoming an alcoholic.
get on msn so we can talk about it
Quote from: 123bomb123 on January 31, 2013, 07:24:18 PM
the anit set lays
ballsack wat he shaves
hairs begin to raise
only to be trimmed
to the thinnest grain
Quote from: 123bomb123 on January 31, 2013, 05:34:22 PM
u need 2 talk more about ur dollaz and hoes to be considered a good poet man,
rubberbannnnnddd
abeeeyoouuuu
souljah boiii