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The Target

Started by Adamp, January 31, 2013, 04:19:45 PM

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Adamp

January 31, 2013, 04:19:45 PM Last Edit: January 31, 2013, 04:23:46 PM by Adamp
What do you guys think of this poem I wrote, any suggestions for improvement would be appreciated

The scene lays set,
The target like a fish in the sea,
He walks ignorant of his fate,
Slowly approaching the peice of bait,

The scene lays set,
He stands to ponder,
What he thinks I do wonder,
But What use would thoughts of war be to me,
None thats what it would be,

The scene lays set,
Once a friend,
A comrade,
A brother,
But no longer,

The scene lays set,
The moment now imminent,
As he blinks for a moment,
I prepare to deliver his final judgement,
My blade primed,
My sights set,

The scene lays set,
An act of mercy,
Kindness,
Compassion,
What else could it be?

The scene lays set,
His final breath of the cold winter air,
His final feeling of hopeless despair,
The final time he'll feel his head,
The final second before he's dead,

The scene lays set,
The blade now buried deep within his chest,
For now it is his time to rest,
For his time has passed,
But the words he utters last,
"You think this is over do you not?
Little do you know it has only just begun"

The scene lays set,
The target now lays dead,
But what did those twisted words mean,
The gibberish of a dying man?
Or the warning of an unfolding plan?

Materger

Love it. O____________O

I ran a little movie in my head when I read this. lolz


     
squirtle! squirtle! 
   
  

-EGK-

Eat4two

Is this a srs project in school or is it directed to me just cause I said you couldn't be poetic? :|

Adamp

Quote from: Eat4two on January 31, 2013, 04:38:25 PM
Is this a srs project in school or is it directed to me just cause I said you couldn't be poetic? :|
both

Meteor

I just noticed how every verse starts with "the scene lays set". Not very appealing imo.
Other than that it's pretty good.

(click to show/hide)

Xx Itz Ian

wtf adamp
since when do you write poems
League of Legends:
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▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ஜ۩۞۩ஜ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬
  Xx ItZ Ian
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Adamp

Quote from: Meteor on January 31, 2013, 04:51:45 PM
I just noticed how every verse starts with "the scene lays set". Not very appealing imo.
Other than that it's pretty good.
this is the one main thing that left me conflicted in the poem, i saw repetition used really well in another poem in a similar way but i was unsure as to how well it worked with my own

123bomb123

Quote from: Xx Itz Ian on January 31, 2013, 04:52:23 PM
wtf adamp
since when do you write poems

fk u poems r for men nigr
IGN: MisterZ

ZeaL - Rank 1 in antagonizing, just
because.


Rub me out like genies, won't concede til I'm graffiti
Quote from: Yz on January 14, 2012, 06:48:35 PM
mrz is like top 40 and would probly be like
"fuk yeh n00bs im god bow to god''

ilovemoney

Quote from: Xx Itz Ian on January 31, 2013, 04:52:23 PM
wtf adamp
since when do you write poems
when he liked the colour pink..
#1 Marketplace Seller
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Adamp

January 31, 2013, 05:15:59 PM #9 Last Edit: January 31, 2013, 05:21:49 PM by Adamp
Quote from: Xx Itz Ian on January 31, 2013, 04:52:23 PM
wtf adamp
since when do you write poems
poems are amazing dun hate

123bomb123

The rhyme structure of (mostly) AABBCC etc get's kind of repetitive and boring. Like Met said, the first line in each verse is "The scene lays set" or something, it'd be better if it changed or even if the word "scene" was changed to something more suitable for the current part of the story/verse

not bad tho.
IGN: MisterZ

ZeaL - Rank 1 in antagonizing, just
because.


Rub me out like genies, won't concede til I'm graffiti
Quote from: Yz on January 14, 2012, 06:48:35 PM
mrz is like top 40 and would probly be like
"fuk yeh n00bs im god bow to god''

Adamp

January 31, 2013, 05:22:27 PM #11 Last Edit: January 31, 2013, 05:24:31 PM by Adamp
k ima remove all "the scene is set" apart from the first and last stanzas soon unless i have a better idea also thanks for all da feedback guys

Xx Itz Ian

Quote from: ilovemoney on January 31, 2013, 05:12:49 PM
Quote from: Xx Itz Ian on January 31, 2013, 04:52:23 PM
wtf adamp
since when do you write poems
when he liked the colour pink..

owowow indirectly called gay,

what u gonna do bout it adamp
League of Legends:
http://euw.op.gg/summoner/userName=ianv
http://euw.op.gg/summoner/userName=smurf+leblanc
http://euw.op.gg/summoner/userName=qqdz


▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ஜ۩۞۩ஜ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬
  Xx ItZ Ian
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ஜ۩۞۩ஜ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

Adamp

Quote from: Xx Itz Ian on January 31, 2013, 05:23:31 PM
Quote from: ilovemoney on January 31, 2013, 05:12:49 PM
Quote from: Xx Itz Ian on January 31, 2013, 04:52:23 PM
wtf adamp
since when do you write poems
when he liked the colour pink..

owowow indirectly called gay,

what u gonna do bout it adamp

blame u cus u started it also stop going off topic

ilovemoney

Quote from: Xx Itz Ian on January 31, 2013, 05:23:31 PM
Quote from: ilovemoney on January 31, 2013, 05:12:49 PM
Quote from: Xx Itz Ian on January 31, 2013, 04:52:23 PM
wtf adamp
since when do you write poems
when he liked the colour pink..

owowow indirectly called gay,

what u gonna do bout it adamp

he lie
#1 Marketplace Seller
Best Mercher/Seller in This GAME #FACT

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